Depression and Euphoria on Big Ball Mountain
Submitted by Nancy
Stats
Mountain: Big Ball (Tate) Mountain (2,390)
Date: November 2, 2024
Weather:
Mileage: 4
Elevation Gain: 1,371
It has been a few years since Pat and I hiked. She struggles with depression and the last two years have been hard on her. We’ve stayed in touch, gone on a few walks. It’s been heartbreaking for me, watching my friend spiral down into some abyss that I know nothing about, where I can’t reach her, can’t even penetrate the darkness that surrounds her. It felt like I had lost my friend. I can’t imagine what it felt like for Pat, wandering through the impenetrable fog of not caring, and not remembering her wonderfulness. I wasn’t sure we would ever hike again. Whenever I got myself out on a hike, I thought about Pat, and all the adventures we’ve had, all the trails we’ve hiked, all the laughs and tears we’ve shared. It was poignant to be on Monadnock, looking out at the amazing views, wondering how Pat was and wishing she was where she was supposed to be, by my side putting one foot in front of the other.
But Pat has slowly found her way out of the cave of darkness back into the light of day. When she started to emerge from the void and be able to see the world outside herself again, the idea of hiking the rest of the Ossipees came up. We already have six under our collective hiking belts. Only four to go to get the Ossipee 10 patch. And you know how we love patches. The Ossipees are lower mountains, less strenuous, so perhaps we could get our overweight and out-of-shape, stiff jointed, aging bodies, as well as our doubting, anxious minds and dwindling courage muscles up the steeps for the views.
Last weekend was our first hike, Bayle Mountain. Today was our second, Big Ball Mountain. And we did great! Made it up and down that sucker with no problems. Two things happened for me that far outweighed the feat of getting up and down. First – allowing myself to feel the joy of having my friend back, her smile big and her eyes shining. To have her next to me, that space between us filled with the love we have for each other and the hundreds of hiking memories, misadventures, tears and bliss we have experienced together. Oh, to be reminded yet again of just how lucky we are to have each other.
The other thing that was magnificent about today, was the gradual letting in of the feeling of being tired; of having worked hard. Sure, for us it looks different that it did 20 years ago – but that feeling is still the same. Once down, taking that big deep breath, letting the stress of the steep up and the slippery down slip away, leaving just the tingling of tiredness. My face is tight from the dried sweat, and my joints are humming with happiness because they are no longer bearing my extra weight, trudging up, careful to avoid pushing my right Achilles too far, or slip-sliding down through the oak leaves and acorns. As I let the fatigue sink in, it is as if it turns into little explosions of joy inside; as each muscle and joint lets go of its stress and weariness, it opens to the feeling of happiness; an all’s right with the world moment. It is the most delicious feeling, euphoria arriving one cell at a time as it realizes it is done and has done good. I can see it on Pat’s face, just as I feel it seeping into mine. Pat is my mirror. Tired friends together, checking off another mountain. We sure are blessed.