Black Mountain

Submitted by Pat

Stats
Mountain: Black Mountain (Benton, NH) (2,829)
Date: November 13, 2016
Time: 3 hours and 45 minutes
Miles: 5.7
Elevation Gain: 1,800
Trails: Chippewa Trail — Black Mountain Trail

  • hiker on the trail in late fall
Pat on the ledgesThe day dawns cold and clear with a brisk breeze and temps in the 30s. As I drive west over the Kancamagus, I see many of the 4,000-foot peaks covered in snow and rime ice. Stunning. Nancy and I meet at the Chippewa trailhead, put on our boots and drive to the Black Mountain trailhead. Only one other car is there when we start off at 9:08 am with Nancy intensely feeling the cold.

The Chippewa trail (3.3 miles) enters a stand of pines early on and shortly thereafter we start climbing. The steep trail has us sweating and breathing, but it’s manageable, even for me. I still am struggling to get fit and stay there. I can’t seem to focus on training. I know I am still healing from all the cancer stuff, but it’s hard to push through sometimes. We stop and rest for a minute here and there before moving on.

I talk to Nancy about my depression, that I have been self-medicating with sleep aids and occasionally with left-over pain meds. It is so hard to live with my addictive self, even though I have a lot of valid stress in my life. I have pain, from cancer treatments and procedures, from depression, and I am desperate to manage it. Another freaking addiction for me to fight and overcome, alone. Nancy listens, doesn’t judge, but clearly, and from the heart, expresses her concern and desire for me to stop self-medicating. I hear that. I want to stop too, but I have been taking sleep aids for so long that I don’t know if I can sleep without them, and adding sleepless nights to the stuff I’m dealing with is too much right now. I can stop taking some meds. Some of them don’t seem to affect me anyway.

On the summit of Black MountainIt feels hugely emotional to share this truth about me with Nancy. I haven’t told anyone else how bad it is. I have a new therapist to help me through this rough patch and I don’t know if I’m going to tell her how bad things are, at least not during our first session. I don’t know or trust her yet. I need to tell my psychiatric nurse who is managing my meds and I think she will wield a stronger hand by asking me to stop self-medicating. I’m scared of telling both of them. I’m scared of telling Theresa too.

We reach the summit at 11:00 am. Gorgeous view of Moosilauke and the southern ranges as well as some snow-covered peaks toward the northeast that I can’t identify. After Nancy changes into warm, dry clothes, we eat and sit in the sun. I feel unsettled by my self-revelation, on edge, restless, can’t sit and just be calm in this beautiful place.

We start down the Black Mountain Trail at 11:30 am — 2.4 miles — on an unattractive trail that mostly follows an old carriage road or bridle path. We take turns talking and walking in companionable silence. My knees are bothering me a bit, nothing unusual, though I am rather impressed that I have been able to hike these past weeks without sticking to a regular exercise routine.

We both smile when we see Nancy’s beautiful orange Jeep that marks the end of our journey at 12:45 pm. We drive back to pick up my car and say goodbye. We won’t be hiking together for a while due to Nancy’s travel schedule. We will start again in the new year.